THE WRECKING CREW demolished itself with a witless script and lame direction even before critics backhanded it (those who didn’t fall asleep or walk out) and it gurgled at the box office as the last of the four Matt Helm spy spoofs Dean Martin coasted thru. Taking only the title from Donald Hamilton’s 1960 novel, the second in his series of 27 Helm adventures, this powderless hollow-point slug, misfired in 1969, followed the filmed versions of The Silencers, Murderers’ Row and The Ambushers. The order of their box-office standing tracked to suit with 13th, 19th,and 28th, then sank to 53rd for this 105 minute groaner. A fifth was intended—you’d need a fifth of something to sit thru it—called The Ravagers, but various factors, including a horrific tragedy, nixed it: factish guesses below. *

Model photographer/stud/secret agent Matt Helm (Dino) is drawn away from booty duty to something less fulfilling: national security and saving the economy. Isn’t there some guy always saying he’ll fix national security and the economy but really just leer-hits on women? Suave rich swine ‘Count Contini’ (Nigel Green, playing ‘suave’ as if bored to his molar fillings) will swipe a billion bucks worth of gold (the screenplay blandly stealing from Goldfinger) and wreak worldwide havoc. Traveling to Denmark (which looks suspiciously like California; the Danes no doubt surprised by those mountains outside Copenhagen) Matt has to fend off (which means make out with) three nasty femme fatale bad girls (Elke Sommer, Nancy Kwan,Tina Louise) and one sweetheart good gal (Sharon Tate), clumsy and with spectacles (naturally atop a face & figure that could melt glass). Will Matt get teasingly next to getting laid triumph? Will Dean, 51, wake up and at least pretend to care? Will you check out this smutty wanker only because it was plugged by Once Upon A Time In Hollywood, Quentin Tarantino’s ode to an era, a style and a famous deceased actress played in his movie (to perfection) by Margot Robbie? Will I finish this write-up in time to do the laundry, eat lunch and then watch a movie that’s actually worth a damn?

The Silencers, though just edging into ‘fair’, has some quality qualities. Other than gawks at their knockout leading ladies Murderers’ Row and The Ambushers are both terrible. The Wrecking Crew is likewise awful, but is more of a disappointment. Phil Karlson’s direction may as well have been done by a sedated seeing-eye dog, there’s constant irritation by an atrocious score from Hugo Montenegro (with a bunch of Dean-crooned tunes tossed in to try and summon a smile–none do), the action scenes are pitiful, the spy-gizmo gimmicks (an exploding sock?) would be rejected as unworthy by the old Batman TV series, and the script—typed-on-demand by William P. McGivern (Brannigan)—manages the feat of having every single joke fall flat. Still, after the two previous sand-traps, that’s all par for the Helm course.

What hurts with the wrecked ‘Crew‘ is the waste of its quartet of charming, talented and beautiful co-stars, who all deliver professionally against the insipid, even insulting material. Elke Sommer, 27, Nancy Kwan, 29 (as ‘Wen Yu-Rang’), and Tina Louise, 34, had all been misused by Hollywood after impressive starts; this junk assignment, other than showcasing their allure, hardly merits their efforts. Then there’s the flicker of light in the stunning Sharon Tate, 25, who gives her ‘klutz’ role presence, verve and deftness way above & beyond the script’s cardboard conception. Martin liked her, and she was marked to return in The Ravagers. After making a minor, barely seen Italian comedy called 12 + 1 she returned to the States and her fateful encounter with the Manson Family on August 9, 1969. Next-to-no-one saw the Italian picture, so this dismal Matt Helm gig offered audiences one of the few chances to enjoy her on screen. **

Grosses came to $6,900,000. With John Larch, Weaver Levy, Lynn Borden, Rex Holman and John Brascia. Chuck Norris, 28, debuts in an uncredited bit part. Bruce Lee was credited as “karate advisor.”  Apart from the mildly amusing bout between Kwan and Tate, the fights are so lamely choreographed and conducted it’s difficult to see why anyone, even with a Lee-sized ego, would want to take credit for them.

* Like the 007 movies, the Helm flicks all ended with the signal of a sequel and The Wrecking Crew tells us The Ravagers is next. Various sources offer that it didn’t materialize because of either (a) the poor reviews and the weak box office drop to 53rd place after The Ambushers 28th, (b) Martin losing heart after Tate’s shocking murder or (c) Dean at odds with the producer over profits from Murderers’ Row. It may have been a combination of all those things. Dino had considerable clout.

** Elke Sommer started strong with The Victors, The Prize and A Shot In The Dark, then was shoved into twaddle like The Art Of Love, The Oscar, Boy Did I Get A Wrong Number! and Deadlier Than The Male. Producers couldn’t see past her body. Nancy Kwan won everyone over with her provocative combo of torrid and touching in The World Of Suzie Wong and she was the highlight of Flower Drum Song. After that, the suits and casting clods couldn’t get past the ”exotic ethnic’ bar. Tina Louise seared the screen in God’s Little Acre but subsequent assignments were dismal (The Trap, The Hangman) and then she was cast adrift on Gilligan’s Island; when her film career resumed it failed to bloom. They all continued to work, but each of these gifted, smart and lovely ladies deserved more recognition than their industry gave them.

Once Upon A Time In Hollywood is a terrific movie and the great Margot Robbie’s graceful interpretation of Sharon Tate is one of its indelible features. While The Wrecking Crew is almost a total loss, we think it’s worth a look, if just for Sharon Tate. The suggestion: first watch the Tarantino epic, along with Tate’s Valley Of The Dolls, The Fearless Vampire Killers and Don’t Make Waves, then brave the Helm item for some sad perspective.