Catwoman

halleberry

CATWOMAN drew catcalls for star Halle Berry such that when she was awarded Worst Actress at that year’s Razzies, she good-sport accepted the award in person, thanking Warner Bros. for “putting me in a piece of shit, godawful movie.” She also saluted “the writers, all of 20 of them, for thinking this was a good idea. It wasn’t, but thank you.” *

Catwomen are not contained by the rules of society. You follow your own desires. This is both a blessing and a curse. You will often be alone and misunderstood, but you will experience a freedom other women will never know. You are a Catwoman. Every sight, every smell, every sound, incredibly heightened. Fierce independence, total confidence, inhuman reflexes.”

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Deer/cat in headlights not best marketing idea

Generally conceded to be the worst of the Superhero movies, this 2004 hairball may not be the ultimate offender as there is bad ‘n’ plenty fish-aroma company in that field, but it’s…pretty lame. Okay, make that Awful. Tedious nonsense at least has three things going for it. Klaus Badelt managed a decent soundtrack. Sharon Stone gives her bitch-kitty villain a fair enough shot. And strut-stuffing Halle owns the sexy costuming.

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I can’t be the only guy who could think of what I’m thinking of…

Otherwise, bomb-time, with an absurd expenditure of $100,000,000, of which a cool $14,000,000 went to petting the star. Dire reviews greeted the direction and script, acting and action, with only $82,102,000 scratching to get in.

Directed by Pitof (devise your own puns). Dumped in the litter box: Benjamin Bratt, Lambert Wilson, Frances Conroy and Alex Borstein (the MAD TV star doing what she can with the scoop and flush material). 104 minutes feels longer. **

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Felinus Foxus SMus

* Halle added: “When I was a kid, my mother told me that if you could not be a good loser, then there’s no way you could be a good winner. And I hope to God I never see these people again.”  As to the writers, not all were credited, but at least fourteen pawed over versions of the script. One, John Rogers: “As one of the credited writers of Catwoman, I believe I have the authority to say: because it was a shit movie dumped by the studio at the end of a style cycle, and had zero cultural relevance either in front of or behind the camera.”

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Hey, we got paid. Having fun surviving the premiere.

** Benjamin Bratt is a good actor, with presence, and his career survived. But he must’ve wondered when the catastrophe of Catwoman was followed by the fine but ignored The Great Raid (a huge money loser) and Love In The Time Of Cholera, which was diagnosed as being sickly.

This feline flop may not have been much of a movie, but the slinky character has catnip for actresses: Julie Newmar, Eartha Kitt, Lee Meriwether, Michelle Pfeiffer, Berry, Anne Hathaway and Camren Bicondova.

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Galore

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Whip it good

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