THE EXPENDABLES 3 punished yours truly during a long-distance bus ride in The Philippines, on a TV mounted over the drivers head, with bad sound. Actually, that may have been the best way to see it, as at least it interrupted the horrible 80s music the driver blasted for two hours beforehand and set the quality quotient for the mind-altering game show that followed. Directed by Patrick Hughes, this third strike for the team expended $90,000,000 to grunt out macho contortions over 126 minutes. Manlove is made to machine guns and explosions with the muscles and Botox of Sylvester Stallone, Jason Statham, Antonio Banderas, Jet Li, Wesley Snipes, Dolph Lundgren, Kelsey Grammer, Mel Gibson, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Terry Crewes, Robert Davi, Glen Powell and …Harrison Ford?

 Chickenhawk legions around Planet Stupid circled their SUVs, jeepneys and tuk tuk‘s, then slobbered out $206,000,000 to see the boys with their toys. Fans alarmed by its slightly toned down mayhem and PG-13 rating found sympathy from story creator and co-scripter Stallone, who lamented “a horrible miscalculation on everyone’s part in trying to reach a wider audience, but in doing such, diminish the violence that the audience expects. I’m quite certain it won’t happen again.”

Gentlemen, start your egos.