A LOVELY WAY TO DIE is a lousy way to spend 103 minutes of time, with next to nothing in it to recommend other than some bikini coverage of the leading lady (Sylva Koscina) and a few brief moments when 6th-billed Sharon Farrell teasingly bops thru. Koscina, 34, a Yugoslavian-born Italian actress, first noticed in 1958’s goofy hit Hercules), had a brief run of lame 2nd string international shots (Deadlier Than The Male, The Secret War Of Harry Frigg, Hornets’ Nest) including this 1968 yawn-provoker where her showcased bod bland demeanor and wobbly accent are the object of interest for star Kirk Douglas. For Kirk, 51, the bloom was off the dimple; he’d commenced a string of lackluster duds that lasted a decade and erased his drawing power. If not the worst of ’em, this cop-turned-bodyguard wheeze is down there trying.

Former showboat-hardcase NYC detective/playboy ‘Jim Schuyler’ (Douglas) is hired by folksy lawyer ‘Tennessee Fredericks’ (Eli Wallach, uncharacteristically weak) to watchdog glamourous ‘Rena Washbrook’ (Koscina), on trial and accused of murdering her wealthy philanderer husband. Of course, with a lavish estate and loads of dough at stake, nefarious parties are in the wings.

Disco Douglas. Who will tell Frank or Dean? Probably Sammy.

Cued by a laughably bad score from Kenyon Hopkins and a credits sequence that basically gives away the highlights (such as they are) to come, tone is skewed from the outset, with A.J. Russell’s flat footed script and direction from David Lowell Rich that can’t decide whether it’s serious or satiric, failing miserably at both. Kirk’s made to (or insisted upon) come off like some instant chick magnet ala ‘Tony Rome’ or ‘Matt Helm’. If this was a made-for-TV toss-off the character would be sleazed over by some past-due joke like Gene Barry or Tony Franciosa. As a director, chiefly for Universal’s cheese division, most of Rich’s extensive credits were on made-for-TV jobs (he helmed the first, much publicized at the time, 1964’s See How They Run) and with his feature films (Madame X, Rosie!, Eye Of The Cat, topped by The Concorde…Airport ’79) he somehow accumulated a long list of remarkably unimpressive movies. Sometimes it’s not the talent, it’s the connections.

Sharon Farrell, 1940-2023

Not suspenseful, not exciting, not funny. Locations: New York City and Connecticut. Gross: $2,000,000, 119th place in a year when junk competition was rampant.

With Ruth White, Philip Bosco, Ralph Waite, Richard Castellano, Dana Elcar, Dolph Sweet, Conrad Bain, Marianne McAndrew, Ali MacGraw (28, debut, uncredited), David Huddleston, Doris Roberts.

Sorry all around