UNDERWORLD: RISE OF THE LYCANS——“I’ve lived by their rules my entire life. I’ve protected them…envied them…and for what? To be treated like an animal. We are not animals! Is this want you want? We can be slaves, or we can be…LYCANS!”

Third in the Underworld series (five as of 2017) of vampire vs. werewolf flicks; this one, from 2009, a prequel. I carbon-date myself using “series”, when the correct slung slang would be that disgusting tag “franchise”, which is a perfect fit for this kind of dank, vapid, repetitive, money-wasting pap. Looked at from the rapt fangpoint of the audience these are pitched to—mostly boys around 12—and a segment of silly and/or disturbed Goth girls–this type of monster mash is apparently mildly amusing, but for those of us ‘Aged Ones’ whose vampire teeth are dulled from decades of use and who are now more vexed by nose & ear hair than startled by fur sprouting from wolf-dudes, the question arises: how ferkin’ many of these do we need? 

Endurance contest was directed by Patrick Tatpolous, goes on for 92 minutes, took $35,000,000 to harness, chomped $91,400,000 back, stars Michael Sheen, Bill Nighy, Rhona Mitra, Steven Mackintosh, Kevin Grevioux and has a cameo from Kate Beckinsale as ‘Selene’.  Reading the quick snippet reviews at Rotten Tomatoes is a lot more rewarding.