THE CHEAP DETECTIVE was a big audience pleaser in 1978, written by Neil Simon as an affectionate send-up of bygone noir classics Casablanca and The Maltese Falcon. Simon had earlier spoofed detectives in the 1976 hit Murder By Death and Woody Allen’s great Play It Again, Sam had fun with Casablanca. Imitation being flattery, and ‘all’s fair when the material’s there’, plenty of laughs are provided in this 92-minute merriness-go-round, which drew enough satisfied patrons to whack 12th place at the ’78 box office.

MARCEL: “I’m sorry. I thought you were alone.”   LOU: “I tried it that way. It’s not as much fun alone.”

San Francisco detective ‘Lou Peckinpaugh’ (Peter Falk) seeks to clear himself of a murder rap (someone iced his partner) while putting together clue strings that web nets around prized diamonds and the creeps who lust after them; exotic exiles who fled France; Nazis who pursued them (somehow in uniform, into the States, just go with it); and a whirlwind of dames—knockouts to just plain dizzy—who flutter around Lou like he’s the last shamus they’ll ever get to slink up on.

“Being a private eye may not be much, but we do have a code of honor. It’s all right to fool around with your partner’s wife, but once he’s dead it makes it all so dirty. That’s the way it is, angel. You marry yourself a nice guy, have a couple of swell kids. Once you’re all set up and happy, maybe we can fool around again.”

Falk’s perfect, and among those lined up for deadpanning (we imagine having a dandy time doing so) are Marsha Mason (great as ‘Georgia Merkle’), John Houseman (‘Jasper Blubber’), Nicol Williamson (‘Col. Schlissel’), Louise Fletcher (‘Marlene Duchard’), Ann-Margret (basically devastating as ‘Jezebel Dezire’), and—special kudos to—Eileen Brennan (grand as lounge singer ‘Betty DeBoop’), Madeline Kahn (in form as ‘Mrs. Montenegro’) and Dom DeLuise (hilarious as smelly snorter ‘Pepe Damascus’).

JASPER: “The murderer is a Rumanian sailor by the name of Vladimir Tserijemiwtz.”  LOU: “Can you say that again?”  JASPER: “Not without spitting.”

Directed by Robert Moore, who had also done Murder By Death, which featured Falk and Brennan as the same sort of characters. Made for $5,500,000, earning back $43,300,000.

MARLENE: “Did you think my heart didn’t stop last night in the club when I saw you standing there?”  LOU: “I almost forgot what you looked like. Day by day I erased your face from my mind, little by little, till all I had left… was your right ear and three front teeth on the bottom.”  MARLENE: “I still carry your picture in my locket. Naturally, I had to cut off your head in case Paul found it.”

With added smiles from Fernando Lamas, Stockard Channing, James Coco, Paul Williams, Phil Silvers, Sid Caesar, Vic Tayback, Abe Vigoda, Scatman Crowthers, James Cromwell, David Ogden Stiers, John Calvin, Carmine Caridi, Jonathan Banks and Lew Gallo.

LOU: “This signature’s been tampered with. Your name isn’t Denise Manderley, is it?”   CARMEN: “No. It’s Wanda Coleman.”   LOU: “Then why does your driver’s license say Gilda Dabney?”   CARMEN: “I believe my life is in danger; that’s why I’ve taken so many precautions. My real name is… Chloe Lamar.”   LOU: “Well, thank you, Miss Lamar. I appreciate your honesty. Now can you tell me why you let yourself in with this passkey to search my office? What is it that you were looking for?”   CARMEN: “Uh, to be perfectly frank, your bathroom.”   LOU: “I don’t have any.”   CARMEN: “Yes! I found that out a little too late…”  LOU: “All right, can we stop playing games now? It isn’t Manderley, or Coleman, or Dabney, or even Lamar, is it? The initials on this handkerchief are A.P. – what does A.P. stand for?”   CARMEN: “Alma Chalmers.”  LOU: “Chalmers begins with a C! This is a P!”   CARMEN: “Palmers. Alma Palmers.”   LOU: “You give me the runaround one more time and I’m going to slap you around this office. I don’t care what your name is any more. Just make one up, so I know what to call you!”   CARMEN: “Vivian Purcell.”   LOU: “That’s better.”   CARMEN: “Carmen Montenegro. That’s my last one, I promise!”