THE SUBSTITUTE  added its teach-by-example, grade on the curve approach to the cabinet of movies about educators and the sub-file red-marked ‘High Schools, American Modern, Hopeless’. Instead of offering wish-fulfillment libby pablum in the slinky guises of  Michelle Pfeiffer or Hilary Swank, this 1996 new-hire is a Nam vet-turned-mercenary (Tom Berenger, bringing along some battle scars from Platoon) whose answer to the casually violent, stunningly stupid ‘kids’ is his own version of the ABCs—assault, battery & carnage. Going into this, I didn’t expect much, but thought with its salty cast it might pass rough muster. Live. Learn.

If you must know—after his merc group is shut down, ‘Jonathan Shale’ (Berenger, 46) goes undercover as a substitute teacher in a Miami high school where his teacher-girlfriend (Diane Venora) had been working until she was kneecapped (cue a massive Seminole named ‘Bull’, played by 6’7″ Sioux filmmaker Jim Warne) on the orders of a student (Marc Anthony) who’s a gang leader and drug dealer. Working his way down the sewer trail, Jonathan discovers the principal (Ernie Hudson) is in on the drug corruption angle, with well-armed higher-ups, enough that Jonathan calls on his merc buddies to help him take the whole crew down—after school, in the school. The escalating action, none of it believable, culminates in a slaughterhouse shootout too absurd for words. The performances are fine but the material is terrible. Other capable cast members wasted include William Forsythe, Raymond Cruz, Luiz Guzman, Glenn Plummer, Richard Brooks, Cliff De Young and Noelle Beck.

Yes, the Still Decent Citizen part of us enjoys the ‘Mister or Miss-who-turns ’em-around’ staples, but decades of witnessing education desecration from gangs of vicious morons also gives us an excuse for enjoying fictional catharsis when punks get their ‘tudes’ smashed into their (stupid fucking sideways) baseball caps. But—as fist-meets-ham directed by Robert Mandel (F/X, School Ties) and  copied from toilet stall walls written by Roy Frumkes, Rocco Simonelli and Alan Ormsby—this movie is so aggressively dumb you feel like watching it actually injures you.

Interminable 114 minutes that came in 99th in ’96 with a gross of $14,818,000. Followed by three direct-to-DVD sequels, all besmirching the resume of another good actor, Treat Williams.