SATURN 3 provides its own two-word verdict in a line squeaked by Farrah Fawcett: “It’s hopeless.” It sure is, apart from effective set design (and, fess up, some tease peeks at the Fawcett bod), and you could switch ‘hopeless’ to ‘doomed’ considering the self-inflicted wounds that maimed the production. Certain bad movies are so adamantly “of ” their era that they achieve a kind of bastard timelessness; their part-hopeful/part dogged schizophrenia can be twisted fun to behold. Sign up then for 88 minutes of a 1980 sex quadrangle on Tethys (Saturn’s 5th largest moon, yet the third discovered, back in 1684: never mind) between Farrah, Kirk Douglas, Harvey Keitel and a rampaging 8-foot robot, a brain drainer with a bad attitude. Those who want to see Kirk’s 63-year-old butt came to the right movie.

‘Adam’ (Douglas) and ‘Alex’ (Fawcett, 32) are research scientists working in happy isolation (yes, Farrah Fawcett is a research scientist, raised in space, yet) when they get a decidedly cold visitor in the form of ‘Capt. Benson’ (Keitel, 40), who has brought along ‘Hector’, a robot in the ‘Demigod’ series. Benson (a murderer along with being a dick) also gets the best line, deployed on Farrah: “You have a great body. May I use it?” Suave, but before using it here on Earth you might make sure to don groin pads and a face shield.

Saturn 36-24-35. Yes, we checked. All part of the job.

“Remove the brain!”  The story was hatched by vaunted production designer John Barry (A Clockwork Orange, Star Wars, Superman); Stanley Donen producing, Barry directing for the first time. He didn’t work out, so Donen took over. The Martin Amis screenplay was extensively rewritten by Frederic Raphael (Darling, Two For The Road), Donen clashed with Douglas (ego on virility overdrive, no doubt goosed by Farrah receiving top billing) and Keitel, whose attitude ultimately saw that he was dubbed by Roy Dotrice. The malevolent Hector cost $1,000,000 to create, and the budget reached $10,000,000. Elmer Bernstein helped out with a nervy score. Reviews were damning and $11,700,000 for a gross (67th place) notched Saturn 3 a Jupiter-sized debit. Dream girl Farrah? Well, she would improve.

Think Kirk Douglas and what normally comes to mind are hard hitting dramas, westerns, war films and epics, but he wasn’t shy (about anything) about delving into the fantastic. In the 50s he tackled 20,000 Leagues Under The Sea and Ulysses, in 1977 came The Chosen/Holocaust 2000 (a bomb that’s developed a sort of cult following), a year later The Fury (an unpleasant hit), then along with Saturn 3 in ’80 was The Final Countdown.

A little romp cut from the final release.

Kirk puts his ass on the line. Watch those teeth!