Buenos dias: we’re here to take every last thing you’ve got and leave you with some pews

CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS: THE DISCOVERY is best left unfound. In 1992 this beat rival 1492:Conquest Of Paradise into theaters by two months, but they both saw critics mutiny and audiences jump ship. This did slightly better at the box office (by $1,100,000) but 104th place ($8,300,000) vs. 108th was not much consolation against a cost of $45,000,000. The other film, helmed by epic maestro Ridley Scott, has serious flaws, but it’s a battleship compared to this bargeload of bilge.

Catherine, the road to Zorro goes thru Columbus

On a long ago October day, a messianically determined 41-year-old Genoese navigator and his three shiploads of fed-up seamen “discovered” America/the Americas: actually what he first found was an island in the Bahamas, so at least he was in the hemispherical ballpark. Fourteen years after his fateful trip, he went on to whatever afterlife was in store for him (possibly a hot one), having lived to 55, a ripe old age, medievally speaking. History had been turned on its blood-soaked head…

I hereby bless my $5,000,000 fee but that still won’t make up for “The Island Of Dr. Moreau”

…as it is in the ship-shapeless screenplay concocted by Mario Puzo, John Briley and Cary Bates, directed in slapdash manner by John Glen. He’d helmed four of the weakest 007 flicks (Octopussy, A View To A Kill, The Living Daylights, Licence To Kill) and one (For Your Eyes Only) that was okay. FYEO is a masterpiece next to this limburger milkshake, which, apart from some decent at-sea shots, is 120 minutes of poorly cast malarkey, a slop job of sentiment (who knew Chris was so considerate of the natives?: no one who lived then) and swashbuckling (another thing he wasn’t, unless you consider slavery and genocidal slaughter rollicking). Even with all the expense, it looks like it was made for TV, and the locations (Spain, Portugal, Malta, the U.S. Virgin Islands) are not well used. When then-current 007 Timothy Dalton bailed, a last-minute shove-him-in replacement for the lead was French actor Georges Corraface, who’s about as persuasive and commanding as a guy in a shampoo commercial. He’s 3rd-billed behind Marlon Brando (wasting our time and stealing five million bucks as Inquisition heretic hunter Torquemada) and Tom Selleck (as King Ferdinand: we repeat, Tom Selleck as Ferdinand); both are glorified cameos. There are bemusing early appearances from Benicio Del Toro, 24, and Catherine Zeta-Jones, 22 in her feature debut as Chris’s mistress: they look like teenagers and pretty much act like it: talent evolved.

Senor, this is Benicio you

Rivaling the Old World’s incestuous battles over who had the right to pillage the next valley, the production launched an armada of lawsuits among executives, actors, relatives, creditors and rival filmmakers. Brando asked his name be removed from the credits. He kept the 5mil.

Aboard & bored or ashore & asleep: Rachel Ward (a flirty Queen Isabella), Robert Davi, Oliver Cotton (makeup has him looking kin to the Wolfman), Peter Guinness, Michael Gothard, Nigel Terry, Mathieu Carrière, Christopher Chaplin (Charlie’s son) and Branscombe Richmond.

Laugh, but Tom’s actually better than Marlon

* The tale told before—The Life Of Christopher Columbus, (a 1916 silent); Christopher Columbus, British-made in 1949, with Fredric March; the 1951 Franco-blessed Spanish production Dawn Of America; and a lavish 1985 Italian-made miniseries Christopher Columbus (well-regarded, with a quite impressive cast).

Hair to a New Age of Conditioning