POINT OF NO RETURN should have been subtitled “on your time”, a warning about blowing 109 minutes of hourglass residue on this blood-spattered, achingly idiotic 1993 remake of 1990’s La Femme Nikita. Some of the 17 French films retooled by Hollywood between 1987 and 1993 were okay (The Birdcage, Three Men And A Baby, The Vanishing), but other than capable work from its leading lady and a nod to the sound effects crew this burnt fondue is indigestible. Oui, call it pointless.

I said the movie is stupid. I didn’t say it was unwatchable.

Addict, murderer and all-round psycho-bitch-on-wheels, ‘Maggie Hayward’ (Bridget Fonda, 28) is given a chance to evade execution by becoming a trainee assassin for some mysterious all-powerful outfit that transforms twisted perps with problems into obedient servants that solve them. Overseen by taciturn ‘Bob’ (Gabriel Byrne) and ‘Senior Operative Amanda’ (Anne Bancroft–what the hell is she doing in this junk?), Maggie quick-time masters martial arts, etiquette, computer skills—everything but communicating with dolphins—and as ‘Claudia’, is unleashed on the hit-designated. But the gone girl also finds—voila!—a conscience (sure) when she becomes involved with ‘J.P.’ (Dermot Mulroney) laid-back Venice Beach photographer.

The worst project directed by the ordinarily capable John Badham, the decent work from lissome Fonda (expert at bringing the amoral attitude, witness Jackie Brown and A Simple Plan) is squandered by an atrocious script from Robert Getchell and Alexandra Seros. There’s nothing wrong with an outlandish idea if it’s delivered with something close to wit, but this tripe would insult a dunce. Some kind of prize is in order for the ‘romantic’ ravioli-sharing-kiss seduction scene followed by a rendition of “Here Comes The Sun” : don’t eat while watching because you’re liable to choke. The ‘rifle in the bubble bath’ bit draws a guffaw.

Realizing that ravioli, if passed mouth-to-mouth, is not just an aphrodisiac but gateway to True Love & a Beatles song on the beach

Somehow garnered some decent reviews (we side with Leonard Maltin’s *½) and lured enough action fans or Bridget fanciers (understandable) to reach #54 at the US boxoffice in ’93, taking $30,000,000, with another $19,900,000 gulled abroad.

Familiar rogues in the lineup: Harvey Keitel (good ‘adios’ scene), Miguel Ferrer, Olivia d’Abo, Richard Romanus, Geoffrey Lewis, Michael Rapaport. Paycheck duty.

You are the…dumbest boyfriend in Los Angeles.