NOAH gives a 2014 tweak to Everybody’s Favorite Bible Story (bring forth the hate mail), with middling results.  Directed by the viscerally imaginative Darrell Aronofsky (who co-wrote with Ari Handel) this opts to take a Biblically ‘influenced’ as opposed to traditionally literal spin.  Noah, robustly inhabited by the ever-able Russell Crowe, is turned into an action figure at times (who knew there was so much hand-to-hand combat when the Ark was about to launch?), even with the beauteous influence of Jennifer Connelly as his wife. Put her on my boat, God.

So you’re saying there’s no room for the Johnsons?

It’s not my fault you didn’t finish those swimming lessons.

Russell/Noah’s match is the great Ray Winstone, leading the horde that wants to climb aboard as the waters rise. A descendant of Cain, Winstone’s villain is fun-formidable, and the CGI effects of the animal life flowing into the ark are really magical.  What is more than a bit jolting and silly are the who-knew? monsters, the ‘fallen angel Watchers’, stone golems (nephilim, if you wish to plow into The Book and come up with your own interpretation).  With these things, permission is granted to drop open popcorn-filled mouth and go “whooah…huh?”

Australian rugby goalie vs. British soccer hooligan: winner gets ten free pints

The swirling Bosch-nightmare mob scene of the degenerate human population of Sin-Planet is effectively conveyed: it rings an obvious and dismaying parallel to our present greedy self-trap and death-wish. Subplot with Noah’s children (Ham, Shem, and wives) is blah.

As could be expected, religious groups (not cited  because I frankly don’t care a whit) raised, uh, Cain, over some of the ways the story was handled, and the usual howling voices of “why did you do it like this!?” screeched their lamentations unto the rafters. But the movie was a hit-and-a-half, whaling in $363,000,000 around this terminally ill, fearful, superstitious, spectacle-crazed, wondering, God-fearing orb of ours.

So, raise your paw when your name is called. We don’t want to lose count and start again with aardvark.

Surprisingly enjoyable even if off-the-charts absurd. With Emma Watson, Logan Lerman and Douglas Booth. Anthony Hopkins plays Methuselah. If you listen, among those rock creatures you can detect the voices of Nick Nolte and Frank Langella.

The $125,000,000 budget ensured enough shekels were rained on the wizards of Industrial Light & Magic to produce those incredibly complicated special effects that raise the stakes (and the boat) during 138 minutes of wrath.

Crowe: “The funny thing with people being, they consider Noah to be a benevolent figure, you know? Looking after the animals. Are you kidding me? This is a dude who stood by and let the entire population of the planet perish!”    Are you not entertained!?